"Hey, you two! Cut it out. Now."
"Yeah, Terry, quit being so mean."
"Evan, she's talking to you."
It's nice to be away from Iowa City, although I still have papers to write that I forfeited to cry under my covers for a few days. I don't think about what's transpired, the arguments and police department visits, until nighttime anymore now. I choose to mourn over what I've lost because I was with him as opposed to mourning over him. It's still difficult, though, and it will be, I know. But I have all of the opportunity to travel to where ever I'd like whenever I'd like to. I can go to Europe next semester instead of waiting around Iowa City for someone who probably didn't care a whole lot to begin with. Mom's been the hardest on me. "Why doesn't he care, Mom?" "I don't know and I don't care and neither should you."
Last night, when Evan, Terry and I were getting into bed and Evan saw me tearing up, he soothingly said:
"Kristen, what's wrong? Are you sad? Do you miss the bruises he left on you? Is that it? Do you want me to hold you down and put some bruises on you, too? Will that make you feel better?"
I guess it is a little ridiculous. I picked up "Addictive Relationships" and "Emotional Abuse" pamphlets from the UI Counseling Center. I could relate with most of it to a T. Great. I've become a statistic. Betsy, whom I haven't talked to in nearly forever, made me feel a thousand times better without probably knowing it (the simplicity of reconnecting with an old best friend, refreshing.)
Where is myself, I seemed to have lost it.
And to think, the reason Mark loved me was because I was so goddamned independent and strong. I've turned into the shell of who I was six months ago.
My mom gave me a book, Fearless, and told me to let it make me feel better. I opened it up and it's full of John 5:21s and shit. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll work on my faith later.
To Do:
Write 19th Century paper
Write Arthurian Lit paper
Read Small World by David Lodge
Set up appointment with Study Abroad office
Interview for SL story
This is just my most recent purchase from this little boutique called Target.
I also go these awesomely trashy heels in the same trip. Makes you wonder what I'm doing at night.
I just want to go eat Honey Nut Cheerios or Special K with those surprisingly delicious dehydrated strawberries until my brain falls out.
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